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This day was spent having lunch with my friends. I told them about no nut November, and how I might need some moral support. I also explained how in the past someone only managed 4 days, and there was a burst of laughter. It was funny, and obviously quite bad that someone could only last 4 days. That made me think about how I shouldn’t be someone who fails early on. I feel as though I can do the 30 days. I believe that the last week is the hardest, and the first week is second hardest. The rest I think I can manage by sheer routine.
I wake up, and think to myself, oh let me continue the habit, but I realised that this is the month of the challenge, and stop myself. I realise that I have a lot of time to myself, but not a lot of things to do that I find relaxing. I’ve started taking indepthnotes that little bit more seriously. Researching more about how to make good YouTube videos as well as actually starting with making the content for indepthnotes. It’s been relatively easy to say no to my old habit, which has been great. I don’t think things like “masturbation helps prevent prostate cancer” as it may give me an excuse to relapse. The risk of prostate cancer is a risk I’m more than happy to take for the peace of mind and pursuing the challenge. Besides, I can’t think of anyone that has died because they didn’t masturbate enough. Nor can I think of anyone who masturbates to promote good health.
I had a dream where I gave up and broke my streak by indulging in sex just for the pleasure. The night before I “gave up” and was about to relapse but luckily I realised that I didn’t want to do that. I wouldn’t have felt any different today, but instead of relapsing I started to learn more about content creation, something that I wanted to do for a long time. During this time a close friend gave me general words of advice for life. To respect my parents and to not torture myself. You might think this means to indulge in pleasuring activities, but to me it was a call to be responsible with myself. Eating junk food is a form of torture to the body, and there are many healthy foods that do good and taste good. I shouldn’t just stay stuck in limbo with the thoughts of “Should I break my streak” and “I shouldn’t break my streak” and just trust myself. To break the streak right now wouldn’t be shameful, nor would it be me going against God. The idea of “sin” is more like taking a detour on the path to God, not something I would go to hell for. I understand a lot of the readers will be doing this for religious reasons, and many not, but whenever I start a good streak I realise that I should keep the streak, but I shouldn’t be so ashamed of something that is natural, even though it is not something that helps me in my goals and dreams.
I’m currently in a more productive mood. My productivity is usually something that comes and goes, and right now it is definitely in a high period. I should make use of this high period and study as much as I can. One thing that does haunt me is the knowledge that if I do relapse, the pleasure would be very great. Nofap as a movement has lost a lot of the momentum it used to have, at least in my life. A quick search on google trends has shown me that the trend spikes in november time, but recently the spike in interest is about 70% of what it is used to being. Here is another argument for nofap. We all agree that there are certain indulgences in sexual gratification that are wrong. Self-pleasure isn’t on a high level of wrong, but it does mean that you waste hours in a day, and begin to see the other gender as just an object for your desires. Even in a relationship, you cannot just see your partner as “fulfilling a need”, in fact the best relationships I have ever seen happened where for religious reasons the couple only had sex to have a child and did no other forms of sexual activities. My point isn’t that I know masturbation is bad for me, or that it is spiritually destructive, but what I know is that the best way to make that decision is to try and abstain myself and see the rewards/benefits.
Some days I would almost feel something pulling me towards women. I have a strong desire to almost go and start a conversation, and flirt with women in a socially calibrated way. The ancient Greeks used to believe that a man’s value was based on how little he was controlled by his sexual desires, hence why all the statues of their revered men had small genitalia. In today’s society many men see the standard as completely opposite, and often feel like their bodies don’t reach the standard that porn has put up for them. I believe that there is a lack of understanding the impact of sexual desires in a scientific or philosophical manner, simply because sex sells and there is no demand for understanding it. There is an idea that there isn’t anything bad with masturbating and there is no upper limit to how much you can, and while this is true in the sense that you won’t die from too much masturbation, this doesn’t address the time sink and the fact that so much head space is used up in the pursuit of sensory pleasure.
I have noticed a lot of relationships around me, and as someone who has never been in a relationship, I often feel jealous of them. I realised that this jealousy kills, at least, that is the way I should think about it. This small thought of jealousy can lead to anger and destructive decisions. On the other hand, I have realised that a lot of people are very prideful in a relationship. That is not the ultimate perfection of a relationship. Everyone has a honeymoon phase of the relationship, everyone has the fighting phase, and ultimately, the basis of the relationship cannot be sense enjoyment, but unalloyed service to each other and the family. So next time I see a couple, I should be glad as they get to go on a path that might lead them closer to understanding why we are on this planet. And to my jealousy, I thank it for also doing the same, and I accept it in my life but at the same time realise it is not serving me so I let it go.
It is Saturday. I felt a huge craving in my mind. This craving wasn’t really felt physically, but it was felt mentally. It was a big craving. I usually think that the mental cravings aren’t as bad as the physical cravings, but these were bad. I was almost distracted out of them, but I ended up failing. After relapsing I knew that just because I relapsed once doesn’t mean I should relapse again, but I did out of habit. My body actually hurt and there are definitely some physiological changes that took place. I felt more focused and motivated during my nofap journey.
My ego would want me to think that I am a failure, and start to feel guilty, but having gone through this journey, I know that this is not the end. The end goal can be as crazy as I want it to be. There are ancient Hindu texts that talk about how after 12 years of sexual abstinence you gain yogic superpowers in focus, perhaps I would be able to catch a glimpse of what they mean.
On a related note, I realised that some women (as well as men) can be a detriment to your nofap journey. I used to idolise women and think that they weren’t as sexual as men, but it doesn’t come down to your gender, but rather your character. I feel a little ashamed and definitely wasted a few hours. But in reality I should find it funny and get back on the horse with more knowledge then when I started.
I now can say it is definitely destructive to my schedule and routine, and it is destructive to the way I feel around real women. Porn is like feeling yourself with womanly junk food. The relapse felt good physically but so does recreational drugs, but it did nothing for me emotionally or spiritually.
Keep going if you are doing nofap. Start again better if you relapsed. Thank you very much for reading, I hope you have a great day.