Something that is different between being a youth and being an adult, is that friends become harder to keep. People you would call brother or sister, end up becoming somewhat of a stranger. There are people who have friends that can just pick up where they left off, in the sense that despite being without contact for years, the day they meet again is like nothing has changed and they are still the great friends they used to be. To me a close friend is someone I talk to regularly. There are people in my life that are the “pick up where I left off” sort, but those aren’t people that I consider close friends. Just old close friends, and that is perfectly fine as well.
I think my true best friend is God. I understand that this is breaking the rules of what a friend is, but no one is as dependable as the reason we are all alive, and the person who is said to watch over everything that we do. I heard a quote, that your true best friends are your wife, your dog, and money. Money often gets a bad reputation, and in many cases it should, but it also means that I can buy therapy, books, experiences that will guide my life to a better place and the power to influence society to be better.
I use his code almost everyday, and it has allowed me to write math notes that I otherwise would not have been able to write. I learned that Gilles Castel passed away. He most likely committed suicide. As life goes on you realise that more and more people you know of have passed away. It might be possible that you could be the last person you know who is alive in the distant future.
I’ve been thinking about maturity. I think in this day and age, too many people are immature. People in their 20s used to get married and buy their houses, or possible go to war to protect those they loved. Life shouldn’t be taken too seriously, as you may develop an ego, but it shouldn’t just be about making jokes and laughing. If you need people to laugh at you to feel good, because you feel lonely deep down, then you aren’t truly being funny.
I think maturity for me is helping people who might forget your name after, or even forget how much you helped them, and being okay with that. It is also about discerning who you are friends with, and treating everyone as an acquaintance, but not everyone as a true friend. It’s about always doing whats right even against people who have wronged you. It’s about being okay with who you are.
My life probably has never been better. I don’t have anyone telling me to do work that I don’t want to do. I can take days off whenever I want. I feel more in tune with my personality and who I want to be. I always have work to do that is inspiring and just the right amount of challenging. I have people to talk to, both online and in person. My youtube channel is having it’s minor success and I’m enjoying making videos (I hope you don’t mind the shameless plug)
However I’m thinking of past troubles, and I realise that I am frustrated at times. It’s all in the background, and I’m missing something that I think I need. I think I’m missing real love in my life, a romantic partner. It’s Christmas time, and I’ve really hated buying presents for people. I have the money to buy them gifts, but I just felt like I didn’t want to do it this year. I didn’t feel like it would be appreciated.
There is a reason I’m ruminating over the past, there is something I haven’t dealt with. I also think I need to actively start remembering the good times that I have in life, with friends who have become distant now. It’s not either of our faults that we have become distant. Since writing this my friends have been messaging me and we are talking again. The solution to me feeling better is writing this blog, as well as talking to close real life friends. I realise I much prefer to be a provider than someone who others provide for. I don’t always feel truly listened to. But I’m sure that my friends would want me to open up to them, I just need to find the right way to do so, a way that shows I am human and working on the problem. I don’t just want someone to dismiss what I’m feeling into objective steps to improve, but I also don’t just want sympathy. I want both.
One of my greatest desires is to have a life partner who will accept my past as well as where I am right now. I’m not saying she should accept me even if I become a bad person, at that point she shouldn’t accept me. But what I want is someone I can grow with.
This blog has been quite unstructured, but all these little points are things I have been thinking about. I’m doing great, but in life you can always do better or worse. Thank you for reading.