2 years ago I was pushing myself as hard as I could. I was attending lectures and tutorials, studying well and exercising and looking after my body. Then I had a manic episode that forced me to take some time off and in months I became obese and lost all my momentum. I took a year out of my studies and spent a long time taking “breaks” where I would just watch TV and try out all the things I missed out on because I was focused on my goals. This is something I deeply regret.

When I am studying for hours at the library, when I am working hard on a problem, when I am exercising hard, that’s when I feel the most myself. I look at my body image and think I should be a lot better, not because I want to be more attractive, but because I want my body to be a reflection of my mind, and that It should show that I care for my body and I can control my mind. I’ve been having too many “last hurrahs” in terms of binge eating, watching YouTube and so on. I’m too pulled by the life of mediocrity and just surviving.

If there is any reader that wants to say I should enjoy life and such, I ask that you to not think that. I can enjoy life by going on walks or by reading an engaging book. My morals and standards are far too low, and I shouldn’t even be eating junk food. For my lifestyle, I should see those things more like poison rather than foods. As I write this I’m feeling the effects of a food binge that I had yesterday. My stomach aches and I put on 2kgs in a day. I get that weight will fluctuate but that just shows the amount of food and junk that I consumed yesterday.

I’ve wanted to be a video game developer since I was 15. I felt like it was the best form of storytelling and it can be a force for good. This year gave me a really long time to work on that dream, but I had left that dream to rot. I’m always at the stage of “I want to do this thing” and I need to stop thinking and start doing. Start working on projects, start making games, otherwise It will forever be a dream and a way for me to think “Oh what if”. I need to think about if I want this to truly be my passion then commit to it 100%.

I should live each day as if it were my last day on this planet, and rest my head thinking I did something I am proud of today. I’m lucky that I am alive today to correct my mistakes and to move toward this goal. This isn’t self hate, this is tough love. I want a life that is world class. I want a life that gives back to the wider community. I want a life that gives my future family the best life I can provide.

My mind is at a state where I am more level headed in my decisions. I can think clearer and I can perform better mentally. But right now it is going to waste.