It’s taken me a while, but I have realised that I can’t hate myself into being a better person. Shame brings your energy into a lower form, and when that happens you are more likely to do the things you don’t want to do. I do want to be hard on myself, because I do know what I am capable of, but when I fail like everyone does, it doesn’t mean I am less of a person. I have embarked on this journey to improve myself and compared to other people or influencers online I might be quite mediocre, but I can keep going forward. Yes being overly harsh and judgemental on yourself might make you progress quickly, but it is often not sustainable and it might not be rooted in the right place.
I went on a diet a few years ago and I made good progress, but I realised that near the end of the diet I was more critical and judgemental of myself in the mirror. My body image was just as bad if not worse in the last few weeks. I shouldn’t try to be healthier in order to be more attractive to the other gender, that’s not something that resonates with me. It puts the emphasis on pleasing others. I should be healthier to sharpen my mind and to respect this body that was given to me. I deserve a body that I am proud of, but the body that I want is deep inside the body that I have right now.
I’m also going to be 2 years older than most other people in my year of university. I’ve never felt like exams show what I am truly capable of, and although I have a better system of studying now, I feel a bit stuck. The 2 years that I had off of studies were not in my control, and I learned a lot during those times. Everyone goes at their own pace, and the more you prepare your foundations the more you can achieve in the future.
I’ve never been in a relationship, and this year I really tried to be in one. University provides a great place to meet new people, and socialising is the most important external thing when it comes to finding a romantic partner. I’ve felt so busy recently and I’ve tried dating apps and other things. I’m really particular with what I do with my time and therefore I don’t like wasting even an hour a day on a dating app. There are usually 10 men for every 1 woman on a dating app, and in my experience the women on the dating app are of a certain type, at the very least they are willing to be judged based on shallow characteristics in order to judge others based on those characteristics. I realised that I am actually quite lucky, I don’t have a physical disability which might make finding someone to date harder, and I’m pretty average in terms of looks, which is a good thing and will make dating easier. I also realised that there are a great deal of things that I need to improve on if I’m going to be a good boyfriend.
I’ve kept this article for a while, and I’m struggling to finish it. Hating yourself can seem like an addiction. The more you hate yourself the more others around you hate themselves. The more you love yourself the more others around you love themselves. I need to understand that I am who I am, and I will be who I will be. I should love myself as I am. Great work begins with accepting my flaws and sins, and being a better person because of it.